This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. I've always thought that suicide is the most selfish thing someone could do. I've always thought it was an easy way out that only made the person committing suicide feel better but left everyone behind hurting. I've always thought that it was a detestable thing to do. I've always believed suicide was pain that just created more pain. And then there I was in the midst of more despair than my soul cares to share, staring at a ceiling fan wondering if it could hold my weight.
I began to wonder if we had any rope. I thought about how painful it might be if the fan base couldn't hold my weight and I ended up just crashing to the ground. I wondered if I would feel my neck snap. The thoughts were ever so brief, and they left as quickly as they came, but the fact that they even entered my mind scared me. However, even though it was tempting to fantasize about ending my pain by ending my life, I knew that I would never do it.
I knew that I would never commit suicide because I know how deeply I am loved. Even though there was so much hurt, I knew there was that much more love. I knew that if I were to act in my darkest moment, that it would only give birth to more darkness. I knew that I would be causing pain to the people that I care about, and I decided I never wanted anyone that I love to feel this visceral, unbearable pain I was feeling. So I chose life. And I know that there are people that are very glad I made that choice, even if they never knew those thoughts had crossed my mind.
This experience made me think about the people that don't know that they are loved in that way, the people that have doubts about if anyone would miss them. I thought about those who didn't choose life because they didn't know how dearly loved they were. To those of you who don't have that tangible love to lean on, to those of you in your darkest moments, to those of you with the rope already around your neck, listen to me: I love you. You. are. loved. Do you hear that? Someone, somewhere loves you. Even if it's a girl miles away who never met you... you are loved by someone. It will break someone's heart to lose you. You are valuable. You have a purpose. It will get better. The fog will lift and there will be light again. The sunrise is coming... you know what they say, it's always darkest before dawn. So, please, dear loved one, take the rope off from around your neck, put the cap back on the bottle, get rid of whatever nasty thing you want to use to bring more darkness to the world. Take a big deep breath and feel my love for you. Now get up and go choose life.
