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I had some anxiety about John coming home for R&R, mostly because of all the unknowns. I have changed since he left and I knew he had too to some degree. I worried it would be an extreme change and I'd be left wondering who the heck was this man I was married to. Would we still work well together? Would we still like each other? If I let the wondering go too far, it could cause a lot of stress. In fact, when we were engaged, we knew that a deployment was coming soon and considered waiting to get married until after he got back. He wasn't sure how much being in a war zone would change him and didn't want me to be "stuck" with someone I didn't agree to marry. He wanted me to know what I was getting into. However, we decided that you never really fully know "what you're getting into" when you get married. Life happens; things change. You make a commitment despite the fact that things may, and probably will, change. Even though we had said we were both all in, I still couldn't help but consider that eight months apart, with one of us facing war, might cause some road bumps.

Many other wives had said that their husbands were a little more short-tempered than before. Some said that it took a few days for their men to relax and not be so tense. I was preparing for those things and expecting a bit of tension. The first few hours we spent together were in the car driving home. After he hugged his truck in the parking lot, he opened my door and kissed me before going to his side. He held my hand, made me laugh, and showered my arms and cheeks with kisses while I drove. I could physically feel the pent up stress and anxiety leave my body. My shoulders relaxed and my breathing slowed. This was the man I fell in love and married. My worrying about him being tense had made me tense; funny how worrying does that!

Surprisingly, I was the one who had a harder time with the transition. Other than being completely overwhelmed and on edge at the grocery store (head on a swivel, eyes darting everywhere), he was basically the same guy I know and love. I was the one who ended up being short-tempered. We had been in San Antonio and I was being snippy for most of the day. I could hear myself being that way and hated the way I sounded. I didn't want to be like that, but I was having a really hard time controlling the 'tude. It seemed like everything he did or said irritated me. The more I tried to hold it in, the grumpier I got. I started to pick fights over nothing, which didn't really work because John diffused my attempts to fight every time. That night I laid in bed and the tears just started flowing down my face. I tried to hide them from John, but being the detective he is, he asked what was wrong. I tearfully cried, "I don't know!" And I really didn't at that moment, which made me even more upset because I'm usually quite in tune with my feelings. He held me and let me talk it out, a process that lead me to the answer. I had been so used to being by myself that it was almost like I had forgotten how to live in a close relationship with someone. Having to compromise and communicate made me grumpy. Living for yourself is easy. When there is no other person in the equation, you almost always get your way and there is no need to communicate anything. I just wasn't used to having him around and that realization saddened me. My reality had become one in which he wasn't a factor in the day to day happenings of life.

On top of that, I wasn't dealing well with the emotional roller coaster. When he's away there is a wall up to protect myself, but good relationships require intimacy and vulnerability. I had to tear down that protective wall in order to connect with him, yet I knew that he was leaving soon and didn't want to fully let go of my wall. That caused some emotional discord. Once I was able to embrace all of it, I was a much happier person. The joys and bliss were so much greater once I let go of my fear of the eventual let down and heartbreak. Once I was able to let in the lows of life, to actually stay there and respect those feelings for what they are, I could reach the highs of life on a deeper level. Vulnerability isn't such a scary thing when you know it allows good things to come in as well as the ugly.