labor

"I can't help but compare it to the transition period during labor. You're super close to your happy ending, but somehow it feels that much more overwhelming and shitty. You only get that ultra-high after experiencing ultra-pain."

My friend wrote those words to me almost a month ago. As I read her words, I was so thankful to have friends who speak my language, who know exactly what to say to me. 

Transition is the last stage of active labor, just before pushing begins. A woman is typically fully dilated or very close. This is the worst part for most women. Her logical brain shuts off and she begins to utter or think unreasonable things. She is exhausted after many hours of laboring. She can become shaky, panicky, and weepy. However, this stage is typically short and passes quickly, especially when the woman is well-supported. She gets her second wind and is ready to push out her baby. 

I've had this analogy on my mind all month. I'm getting so close to my happy ending, but my friend is right: it feels overwhelming and shitty. Again, the fear of the unknown creeps in. Am I going to split in half? Do I have what it takes to get through this? Will everyone be safe and healthy? Is my family going to be ok? Am I ready to take on the challenges of what's to come? 

Time feels suspended in the air. It feels as though there is a clock floating in space, counting down days, yet there is no logical pattern in any of it. Time is some abstract idea that I cannot grasp. Just as pregnancy will end, this deployment will end, yet no one can say exactly when. I am like a pregnant woman in labor who wants pregnancy to be over with, to hold her love in her arms, but no one can tell me exactly when that will happen. No one knows how much longer I must endure. 

But getting that baby out isn't the end of labor. The placenta must also come out. Any tears that occurred must be repaired. Any bleeding must be stopped. The uterus contracts and begins to return back to it's original size, though it may take many weeks or months to do so. The family begins to transition into it's new dynamics.  

Many woman have found that the most freeing part of labor is the moment they surrender to the process. We fight and resist pain, we try to protect ourselves from any harm. Yet pain in labor means that things are doing what they are supposed to. It means things are moving along and the end is nearing. It means a life is coming into this world. In this process of deployment, I have found freedom in surrendering to the process. Pain means I'm very much alive. Pain means my heart is wide open to let love out. 

This surrendering to the pain and process means I'm regaining my strength. It's allowing me to glide through life's ups and downs, one pressure wave at a time, without resisting the rhythm of it all. It means I've regained hope and confidence as I transition into the next stage. I'm starting to get my second wind. I will come through this. Tears may need to be stitched. Wounds may bleed. Pain and stinging will be felt. But life... fresh, sweet, new life... will come out of this process.