I've been thinking about getting rid of Facebook for awhile. I told my husband that it's become a distraction from real life, that I got addicted to it while he was gone. That's embarrassing to admit. Everyone loves to hate Facebook and say how stupid it is, yet here am I admitting that it's become a real part of my life. I had an excuse while he was gone; it was our main form of communication during deployment. I was constantly online hoping to never miss him when he had internet access. But now that he's home, why am I still in this toxic "I hate it, but can't get away from it" relationship with a social media site?

I think the reasons go deeper than the ones I freely offered at first. We live in a culture where our lives are on display and it is becoming harder to see what "over sharing" really is. Even as I write that sentence, I realize that this blog puts my life on display and that I may over share even here. With the ever-increasing lack of privacy, I feel the need to perform. I want people to give me a thumbs up and "like" me. My dear husband says I need to forget about what other people think, that it's an impossible task to please everyone. I know he's right. As evolved and mature as I'd like to think I am, I still want people to like me. Again, I start to get embarrassed, until I realize that every honest human being would admit that they want to be liked and accepted too.

That embarrassed feeling has been creeping up a lot lately. Like when I said the "F word" in public and later realized that there was a couple nearby that goes to my church. Like when someone warned me that a certain beach has a lot of women in bikinis and I told her that I wear a bikini. Like when someone posts a picture of me on Facebook drinking a cocktail. I don't want my church friends seeing those things. But the truth is I like music that makes me want to gyrate my hips. I wear a bikini and push-up bras. I can hold my own with the infantrymen and sound like one too.

That embarrassed feeling is conviction, Carsen. You feel that way because you know it's wrong. 
Maybe. Maybe not.

That embarrassed feeling creeps up in other aspects too. My "wild" side isn't the only one on display online. My faith is too. Those that know me know that I have a spiritual life that is active and real. I don't want my church friends to see me one way, but then I find myself not wanting others to know that I want to follow God. Mostly because of the tainted image that it's become. Mostly because others have screwed that up for me. Mostly because many people see my faith as something used to condemn and judge other people. I want to share my faith with others, but I don't want them to think I'm another one of "those" people. Spirituality is something deeply personal to me, yet it is very much a part of who I am. I can't hide it. But sometimes I want to.

That's a sin, Carsen. You are *supposed* to be unashamed. 
Maybe. Maybe not.

I told my husband I was feeling this way. Told him that maybe I should stop leading a double life. That maybe I need to pick the bikini-wearing, cocktail-drinking, curse word-saying life or I need to pick the modest, religious, straight as an arrow life. There's something in the Bible about that, wineskins or wells or something. But is it really a double life? Maybe this "wild side" isn't bad at all, but the way God made me. Maybe he created me to think for myself and to rebel against the "should's" and the "oughts." Maybe he gave me this fiery spirit that gets pissed off at injustice and can't be quiet about it. Maybe he's made me to be comfortable and relatable to infantryman and the likes so that I can show them His love. Maybe if I wore a one-piece swimsuit and blushed when someone said "shit," I'd make people who are not in the church not want to be around me. Jesus never sinned or compromised his standards or made excuses for sin, but he did hang out with prostitutes and thieves and the poor.

That's justifying your actions, Carsen. Your thinking is wrong. 
Maybe. Maybe not.

And that thing about wineskins or wells or something... I'm pretty sure that's about the heart. The God who created me cares about my heart, not outside appearance. He cares about how I love people and care for people. He cares about me loving Him and He wants a relationship with me. He wants me to care about what He thinks. Because that's the thing about Facebook and humans in general, most can't see the heart. What is seen is just a glimpse of a person's whole self. I have given authority to certain people to correct me when I'm wrong because I trust their opinions and know that they know me deeper than just about everyone in the Facebook world. Maybe that's what I really long for: relationships that care about the heart. Maybe I don't want any more fake relationships that just see pictures and words out of context. Maybe I'm sick of telling someone something in person and they cut me off saying, "Yeah, I read your status." Maybe I want real relationships that I'm not worried about going awry based off of something on a stupid website. Maybe what I really want is authenticity.

Now that's just crazy talk, Carsen. 
Maybe. Maybe not.