vows

John and I went through what you may call a "rough patch." There were (are) many things that contributed to our success. We worked hard, we trusted the character of our spouse, we went to counseling, we sought spiritual guidance, and with the grace of God I can confidently say we are at a better place in our relationship than we have ever been. However, in some of those toughest times- when we weren't in counseling yet; when we weren't talking, let alone working hard; when we didn't have the energy to pray- there was something that kept me grounded: our wedding vows.

I made a promise on that day, several in fact. I took vows before God and family, and signed a legally binding contract. There are certainly reasons for divorce. If there is abuse present, whether it is physical, sexual, substance, financial, verbal, or emotional, I believe that one should distance and protect themselves from that kind of assault. But our situation wasn't anything like that. It may have been easier to just be done, to not engage in the kind of work it takes. However, when I made those vows, I wrote them carefully. I took them seriously. What was I willing to promise to? What would I need to promise in the midst of romance to sustain me when the honeymoon wears off?

I have noticed a trend in weddings. The part where the couple exchanges their vows seems to be more of a profession of affection and not a promise. There is no more "for better or for worse," but "you are so amazing." Let me tell you something I have learned about love: it is NOT a feeling. You can thank oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin for those feelings. Love is a choice. It's a verb, an action word. You do love, not feel it. So professing your feelings of attraction and affection on your wedding day is actually pretty unromantic. You might as well say, "I have so many hormones flowing through my veins right now!" No, the romantic, loving thing to say is to promise what you will do when things get rough, because they will get rough; what you will do when you are hurt, because you will get hurt; to promise how you will act when you make a mistake, because you will make mistakes. Love is doing. Feelings are neurotransmitters.

You will fall short of your vows from time to time, but that is exactly why you make them in the first place. Your vows are something to be constantly striving to achieve. Every anniversary John and I repeat our vows to each other. Last year we went for a hike, sat down by the creek, had a picnic, and reminded ourselves and each other what we had promised. Hearing those vows roll off his lips is better than any compliment he can give me. He knows me better than anyone and knows my worst flaws. Those vows are a promise to love me despite them. Emotions wax and wane, and often are temporary. There are days when I am just bursting with happiness and affection towards my husband. Then there are the "other" days. The vows are the constant, the unchanging, the foundation of the relationship. The vows say I will respect and honor you even if I *feel* disdain. The vows say I will put you first even when I feel selfish. The vows say I will comfort you even if I feel tired. The vows say I will forsake all others even if I feel bored. The vows say I love you, and this is how I'm going to DO it.

So to those of you who are engaged, I urge you to thoughtfully consider what you want to profess on your wedding day. You will need the promise. And to those who are married, if you haven't read what you promised in years, find those old vows and remind your spouse. How are you going to do love?

"We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storms
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for"