grace

I am angrily writing on the outside of my right hand in the space between my thumb and forefinger. I hate my job, but stay because I have a wedding to pay for. I don't understand why people are so rude, especially to someone who handles their food. I remind myself of some cheesy mantra about being kind to everyone because you never know what they are going through. Since my niceness and attitude effect how much money I make, I'm trying to shake off all the eye rolls and tilted noses. I keep writing over the letters I've already made so that the word is bold and unmistakable: grace. I'm at a crossroads: grace or death, either my own demise or the next mouthy customer's. I hold my notebook in my right hand and write orders with my left. The way it's positioned, it glares right at me. Grace.

My coworkers notice it written on my hand and ask who Grace is. One teases me and asks if "a lesbo gave me her number" (It's happened). I finally explain to them that for my own good and everyone else's, I am reminding myself to give grace to everyone around me. The same undeserved grace that I've been given time and time again. The kind of grace that forgives, softens, and loves. The kind of grace that makes room for imperfection. Grace that allows people to relax and flourish in my presence.

A perfectionist by nature, I hold myself and the ones I love to unattainable standards. As I've said before, marriage is a giant mirror: it reveals things about oneself. Some of these things the mirror of marriage is bringing out in me aren't pretty. Much to my frustration, I married an imperfect person and so did my husband. Perfectionism is demanding and critical. Perfectionism does not allow room for graciousness. Perfectionism and graciousness are opposites. They cannot coexist. If I am being critical, judgmental, and demanding, I can't at the same time be forgiving, accommodating, and compassionate.

I find myself looking down at that fleshy part of my hand where the word "grace" was written. I had put it in a place that was easily visible. In order to give grace, we must be in a position where we can see grace. I am overwhelmed by the amount of grace that I have received from imperfect people to a perfect God. The way I'm positioned, it glares right at me. Grace.