Don't be alarmed

I've been trying to shake it. I've been doing deep breathing exercises and yoga. I take my vitamins and drink my green smoothies. I talk it out with people and share laughs with friends. I read interesting books and stimulate my mind. I participate in the holy ritual of "keeping busy."

It's not working.

I am restless. I am annoyed. There is a groaning inside me. I'd punch a wall if I had more motivation. I tried identifying this feeling. I've heard it helps if you know exactly what you are feeling. For a girl who is pretty good at self-examination, I have no idea what to call it. Some days it looks angry. Other days it looks apathetic. Sometimes it looks depressed. Most of the time it looks like loneliness. I think I'll call it a gremlin.

He's an ugly bastard.

This gremlin follows me around on a daily basis. Somedays I hardly notice he's there; like a shadow, I know he's there, but I pay no attention to him. Other days he won't leave me alone. He keeps me awake at night; he causes canker sores and constipation. He makes me curse and lose my cool.

I'm done.

I feel guilty even writing about it. I know I'm being melodramatic. I know I could have it worse. I know I'm lucky to even have a man to miss. I know that I'm lucky to hear from him regularly. I know I should be thankful that he's in a safe place. I know all the right things to say. I don't need to hear that it's almost over. Don't you know that I've been telling myself that for weeks? I don't need to hear that it could be worse. Don't you know I've been trying to console myself with that thought?

It doesn't help.

I like to fix things. I'm bad at letting people vent. I'd rather offer solutions than just listen. I've been doing this to myself for months. I feel this anger/depression/loneliness rise up in me and I shut it down. I tell it to quit whining. I tell it to shut up and smell the roses. I tell it to have a grateful heart. I tell it to read the Bible. I tell it to find perspective. I tell it to think of all the ways it could be worse. I tell it to quit it's bitching.

It won't be quiet.

I've done everything that I know how to do. I've prayed, fasted, and meditated. I've exercised and taken care of my body. I've looked for all the positive things and have been thankful for them. I've reached out to friends when I need it. I've told myself all the right things. I don't need solutions. I don't need to be told I only have a month and a half left. I was done a month ago, but I have no control over it. I can't make it end any sooner. Since I can't beat it, I'm going to accept it. It is what it is. I feel what I feel and I can't make it go away. I'm not going to ask it to leave anymore. I'm not going to tell it to shut up. It's louder than me anyway. I'm going to let it scream and rage and cry.

Don't be alarmed.