allies

Hey newlyweds. I don't have much wisdom to share about this whole marriage thing because I've only been married two years. I'm still figuring it out, and I'm not always doing it very gracefully. I have learned a thing or two, though, and I'd like to share something with you. I think it's important and wise and helpful, so you should listen, mmkay? Are you ready for this?

Choose your friends wisely.

I know your mom already told you that 20+ years ago, but please hear this not as a motherly figure, but as someone who is still learning all this stuff too. Only certain people in your life should have authority over you. That's a part of establishing boundaries. Not everyone gets a say in how you live and act. In fact, most people shouldn't have a say. As you become an adult, that authority usually shifts from parents to peers. You get to decide who influences you. When it comes to important things like marriage, it would behoove you to choose those people wisely.

Here's the thing; as awesome as your partner is, he/she will one day be the most excruciatingly annoying and exhausting person you have ever met (and you will be the same for them). And you are going to turn to someone pissed off, tired, ready to dramatically throw your hands in the air in defeat. This person needs to be someone who is for your marriage. You might say some things you don't mean about your spouse. You probably will disrespect him/her out of your anger. You can choose to confide in someone who will agree with you- "Yeah, what an asshole!" Or you can choose someone who will honor your marriage and not stoke the fire - "I know you don't want to right now, but I'm going to pray." You need to select a few chosen people who have the authority to say, "I love you, but you are being the jerkface."

When you are angry, it feels good to have people agree with you. Our natural reaction is to turn to people who will feel the same way and shake their fists with us. However, you need to have allies in your corner; people who will listen and not minimize your feelings, but who will also give you wisdom and be for you and your spouse. These type of friends know that being supportive of you and your marriage also means supporting your spouse. They are allowed to be upset if you're hurting, but choose the ones who will put aside their own feelings to help you reach unity and resolution with your spouse.

When you have a fight and you want to call someone, stop and think, "Will this person help me to be more angry or to find grace for my spouse?" If your goal is to continue to feel righteous in your own anger, go ahead and pick the first type of person. However, if peace is your goal, choose a peace-loving person. Trust me, things can get pretty wonky in marriage; you don't need someone to help you be annoyed with your totally awesome, lovable, worthy spouse.