pregnancy courtesy 101

Because I'm a woman in my mid-twenties and have worked as a doula, I've had lots of pregnant women vent to me about things that were frustrating during pregnancy. A lot of the complaints have to do with family and friends. Most of these lovely ladies would prefer to not saying anything directly because they fear hurting a loved ones' feelings isn't worth laying down some ground rules. Since I currently know approximately 76.3 pregnant women, I thought I'd compile a list of some common complaints and general rules my pregnant friends might like you to follow.


1. So you just found out your friend/daughter/sister is pregnant? That's so exciting! However, unless she explicitly says she wants you to tell someone, keep it to yourself. She loves you and is excited to share the news with you, but don't ruin that trust by blabbing the news. Perhaps she hasn't gotten ahold of a family member just yet and doesn't want them to find out through the grapevine. Maybe they've had a history of miscarriage and don't want the news public until the second trimester. You are excited and that's great, but it's their news to tell, not yours.

2. Stay off social media. Boy, do we live in a world of over-sharing! I'm just as guilty. Social media is a great way to keep in touch with relatives from afar, but we often forget to honor each other's privacy. If you are privy to information such as the gender of the baby, possible name choices, that the mom is in labor, the baby has been born, or you were there and have pictures, again please keep all of this to yourself unless she asks you to post the information on Facebook. Some moms appreciate having one person head up the spreading of the news so she doesn't have to, but many do not want it plastered all over the internet. Yes, this point is almost the same as number 1, but I feel that it is important to make it it's own point. We post pictures of our dinner and other trivial things- sometimes we forget what should go online and what shouldn't.

3. So your friend has decided to have an elective cesarean section/induction/no pain medication/home birth/whatever and you think that's a horrible idea. Maybe even a foolish or dangerous one. Guess what? It's none of your business. Trust that your friend/daughter/niece/sister is a wise and informed woman. Trust that her choice was based on research and guidance from a professional. If that's not the case, and you have a close and personal relationship with her and are concerned about her choices, politely ask questions. Maybe you don't know the whole story. Maybe she knows more about what is right for her and her family than you do. For some reason, pregnancy seems to be a time when everyone thinks they have a right to influence decisions or offer advice when they don't. Support and respect your loved one; she needs that more than your advice.

4. Ask her about things other than her pregnancy. She is more than an incubator. Ask her about politics and what she's been reading. Ask about her marriage and work. Just because it's growing to the size of a watermelon, doesn't mean that she is only a uterus. There's a good chance she wants to vent about heartburn and constipation, but maybe she also wants to tell you about her dreams and plans for the future.

5. Leave the cute outfits and accessories to the grandparents. Be the boring friend that buys diapers, wipes, soap, and organizer bins for her baby shower. Get her a cloth diaper cleaning service and throw in some hemorrhoid cream. She'll love you forever.


6. Once the baby the is born, make yourself useful. Don't show up without food. Pick up a broom. Do some laundry. Don't stay long and expect to be entertained. She just pushed out a tiny human that poops, cries, and eats every few hours. It's not about you.

7. If she chooses to breastfeed, don't be offended if she asks you to leave when she needs to feed the baby. The first couple of weeks can be tricky and trying to add in modesty makes it more difficult. Feeding her baby comes first and if she can't be comfortable about whipping out her boob in front of you, you gotsta go. And no she can't just give the baby formula this one time so you get to feed the baby. She didn't choose to breastfeed to make you feel left out.

8. If you're sick, stay away. It's kind of ridiculous that I even have to say it, but it seems that people need to hear it. You seeing the little one who will probably just lay there and sleep isn't worth potentially infecting the vulnerable baby for your few minutes of pleasure. Don't be that guy. It can wait until you are healthy.

9. Keep your horror stories to yourself. Her mind is already flooded with fears of arms growing out of foreheads and perineums ripping in half. If it's not helpful, assume it's hurtful. There is plenty of drama and scary birth scenes in our media; she doesn't need your input about how awful birth/breastfeeding/parenting might be. Encourage her instead. Remind her that she is strong and capable. She's probably totally freaking out right now; don't add to it.

10. Babies are not milk; they don't expire on a certain day. Due dates are simply educated guesses based on a lot of different averages. Sometimes babies are healthily and naturally born at 38 weeks, sometimes 42 weeks. If mom, baby, uterus, and placenta are all healthy.... everything is healthy! Please don't text her everyday asking if she's had the baby yet. Sometimes babies come too early or need some help coming out, but most of the time they come when they are good and ready. Everything will be okay... deep breath...


So what say you? Anything else you'd like to add to the list? Have I spoken well for you pregnant ladies? Can we all agree to follow theses rules?