My husband has received orders for deployment, leaving mid-late July. I've been an Army-wife for 5 minutes (ok, 3.5 weeks) and the reality of my love leaving has come crashing down. Nothing is certain in the Army, even when they say it is, but they are definitely gearing up to leave. Not only are we learning to be husband and wife, but we are learning to be soldier and the "home front."
My hard-working husband took a nap this weekend and I ended up in tears. All I could think about was that this may be our first and last months married to each other and I couldn't stand not spending time with him. It took me almost an hour to explain this to my confused husband who woke up to me "pissed" (this is often how I come across when truthfully I'm hurt, scared, anxious, etc). I was finally able to articulate my feelings and have a "big person" conversation with him. (Marriage is like a giant mirror; one that has made me realize I'm very much still a child.) Now more than ever I realize what a gift he is and how precious our time is before he goes. It's not healthy to dwell on the negative, but for my personal well-being, I have to think of the worst and then learn to cope with the possibility. I'm slow to process emotions and therefore a bit of dwelling is required. "People want my husband dead" is a large pill to swallow, yet some how facing the possibility of that helps me to look it square in the face and say "I ain't scared." (Well, that's a lie, but I can still say it.) Turning on the lights and actually looking at the monster under the bed makes it much less scary than when you're hiding under the covers in the dark.
Maybe one day, with a ton of Grace, I might be able to say that truthfully. My soldier's name means "God is Gracious" and "God rescues." I'm praying for those to not just be name meanings, but a prophesy over his life, a banner he can wave before the enemy, both of this world and not. While this process is sometimes uncomfortable and full of growing pains, I rest in the truths that Our God IS gracious and that He does rescue us. I think there is something carnal about declaring those truths (especially when you're scared), like ripping out the roots of weeds that are suffocating a seedling, hands dirty and making way for fresh growth. And so even if I have to say them half believing, half scared out of my mind, I will... because slowly my faith rises.
Oh friend, this was good. I totally hear this. And, you're right. But I think you also have to decide he's coming home until you hear that he isn't. You know how Corrie Ten Boom's father told her that he always gave her her ticket right before they got on the train, and that Jesus gives you your ticket to handle something RIGHT when you need it? You don't have your ticket right now, because he's not asking you to go through it. If you did, I think, somehow, we'd make it. I say we, because you know that we'd go through it with you. But, right now? You don't need to feel prepared, He's not asking you to go through it. I love you.
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