pimples and insecurities

The other morning I woke up with a few zits on my chin. I know, "big deal Carsen", right? But here's the thing, I never had acne in high school so I thought I had dodged that bullet. Nope. I had it pretty easy in high school, zero acne for starters gets you a long way. I wasn't very popular, super smart, crazy talented, wildly funny, impressively athletic, or any of those things that high school movies are made of. But I had some friends, my grades were decent, and I didn't do too bad in the extracurriculars. However, the one thing I had going for me was my self confidence. Rarely was I haunted by any disturbing social rejections. On the rare occasion, I would come home and lament to my mom and say girls don't like me! Most of them would never even give me the chance. My mom would console me by telling that they are probably just intimidated by me. That made no sense to me. How can I be intimidating? I'm not even 100 lbs. My mom preceded to tell me that I have more self confidence and security than most people ever dream of, let alone awkward teenage girls. "I do?" I never considered myself to be any of those things. In fact, these girls that rejected me were prettier, smarter, better dressed, more popular, and seemingly more confident that I ever thought I was. I felt like the awkward one; how could I be intimidating?

Now here I am, with high school 5 years behind me and I'm feeling more pimply and insecure than ever and thinking aren't these things for teenagers? Aren't you supposed to grow up, leave old insecurities behind, get your braces off and laugh at your childish ways? Why is it now that after I've married my handsome husband, that I feel less than confident? I think it's because marriage is a bit invasive. When you're dating you can spend an hour getting ready at your place and your mate shows up to see the finished product. When you're dating, your boyfriend drops you off at home and you let out that big fart you've been holding in all night. When you're dating, you brush your teeth before you ever have to see that person. When you're dating, you filter your emotions and can keep the ugly ones concealed. Marriage is a whole 'nother game. Now certainly my husband saw me without make up, witnessed me angry or upset, and heard me rip one while we were dating. As he likes to affectionately remind me, "he knew what he was getting into."

I just can't help but notice that this kind of intimacy shakes my confidence. Bed head, morning breath, and gas is just the tip of the iceberg. I won't get into sex or emotions because those are much too private to divulge in public, but those can be the most unnerving of them all. I think pre-marriage I had a lot of neat little (healthy) barriers protecting from being too exposed. Now those are being ripped off, one layer at a time, leaving me often feeling like a teenager wondering who will take me to prom. And like a younger person, I still very much want to impress my husband. This crazy ride isn't for the faint of heart.