It was still dark when the wailing alarm clock rang out in my cave like room. How did 5:30 come so quickly? If only the days could pass as quickly as the night, I thought. My head felt like an oozing pimple ready to be popped, a very familiar feeling as of recent. I decided it was from getting up early rather than the possible twinge of depression I had been feeling the last few weeks. For the most part, I was fine, I am fine, yet if a friend were telling me her symptoms, I'd probably suggest depression. That thought struck a cord with me: what would I tell myself if I was my friend? What would I do if my friend were in my situation?
I don't have many friends; I've never really been popular. But the friends that I do have last for years and love me fiercely. They are the type of people that can be miles away, but I know they are still loyal and kind and deep with me. In fact, my best friends are stretched across the world from the West Coast to the Caribbean to the Middle East. They are distant and there are few of them, but I decided a long time ago that when it comes to people, quality is always better than quantity.
I was up that early because a friend was having an early morning surgery in the city and needed someone to drive her there and be with her the hours following her procedure. She was apologetic for it being so early and tried to reschedule, but I assured her that it was not a problem. That's what friends do. They care for each other, they love each other, and they help each other in times of need. I truly had no problem doing the favor because I enjoy being a good friend. I like caring for people that are important to me. It brings me joy.
Moving across the country, for whatever the reason, will always bring times of loneliness and adjustments. Being stationed somewhere because of the military is no different. There are some groups and people in place, such as your soldier's friend's spouses or the Family Readiness Group, that become the core groups of friends for many military spouses. Sometimes a few of these people become lifelong friends. Sometimes, however, there isn't any particular person that you connect with on a soul-to-soul level. Some people go their whole lives without finding a person like that and it seems to be just a matter of luck! I have found some good friends here that I am so thankful for, but I still feel an aching for my closest friends that know me best. Some are silver, the others are gold, as the song goes, and I have been lamenting the distance of my golden friends.
I had two hours to kill while my friend was in surgery so I decided to go on a little adventure. As I walked toward a nearby market, I had this idea of friendship on my mind. I thought about what I would do if one or more of my close friends were with me. Dr. Phil was in my head as I had just read one of his articles in the waiting room of the surgical center just minutes before. He was talking about being your own best friend. I wondered if I was capable of doing that, if I could find joy in doing things alone, if I could love on myself. I set out to do just that. I decided to try out what it would be like to be a friend to myself.
As I approached the market, a cafe whirled and whistled with the sounds of espresso machines and blenders. I ordered a spirulina and fruit smoothie and wandered outside to look at the flowers for sale. A flamboyant gay man struck up a conversation with me and told me that my beautiful green eyes matched my smoothie. I welcomed the no-strings-attached compliment and went back to admiring the orchids. The man then remarked that I really needed to touch up my roots, as all my gray hair was showing. I started to cover my part with my hand, self-consciously, but then broke out into laughter. There I was trying an experiment on loving myself, and some stranger is reminding me to take care of my appearance. The universe had dropped a comment into my lap that typically only a close friend would say. The irony just made me smile.
I knew the smoothie would not last long, so I found a place to get some breakfast. I couldn't help but notice the beautiful wrinkles on the employee's face. I caught myself almost starting an internal argument: wrinkles can't be beautiful; women pay thousands of dollars to get rid of them! Thankfully, my soul told my head to shut up and to enjoy the beauty, the wisdom, the life experience. How many times had those eyes smiled in glee or winced in pain to create such perfect crows feet? How many baby toes have those creased lips kissed? I finished my meal with only about 40 minutes left in my experiment. I decided to go for another walk. I crossed a busy street and a homeless, sidewalk preacher wanted to tell me about God's love. I began to tell him that I already knew God and His love and tried to continue on my way. He was adamant that I knew, "God loves you, He loves you, He really, really loves you!" he shouted. I took a deep breath, could we ever really know everything there is about God and love? I allowed myself to stay and listen to him for a few more seconds and to take in all the love he wanted to impart on me. A friend wouldn't stop a friend from being filled with love. I thanked him and continued down the street.
I saw a sign for a spa in the distance and thought a pedicure sounded nice. As I neared the spa, the surgery center called me to tell me my friend would be ready in 30 minutes. I didn't want to be late so I started to walk past the spa and just head back toward the surgery center, which was right across the street. Once again, I had to stop myself. 30 minutes was the perfect amount of time for a pedicure, and I had, after all, resolved to be a friend to myself today. I went in, picked out a pretty plum color, and got a pedicure. The massage on my feet and calves felt so great that I started to fall asleep. I jerked awake and embarrassedly smiled at my pedicurist. She looked at me and smiled at me with more depth and understanding than I've seen in a long time. She really looked at me. More so than looking at me, she saw me. For a split second, I felt known. She continued on the other leg, gingerly massaging my sore muscles. She had no idea, but I felt as though she was massaging away more than lactic acid. The human touch coupled with the human connection that we just had, almost brought me to tears. Those two hours were just what I needed.
In just two hours, I learned how to be my own friend. I learned to take a compliment, to see beauty in places that others can't, I learned to let love in, and to allow myself to be taken care of. I learned that it was not selfish to do these things. On the contrary, when I'm being my own friend and taking care of myself, I am able to be strong for my husband and positive for my friends. When I let love and care and friendship in, whatever the source, I am able to let those things flow out of me. I started off the morning wanting to stay in my dark, cool cave; the wail of my alarm clock brought a groan. However, I end the day with a new tenderness in the way I treat myself. I have been trying so hard to love others and be gracious to people, yet I somehow missed the fact that I need those things myself. Today, I learned how to love myself in a two hour experiment on being my own friend.
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