loving a warrior

I was in the bathroom, eyes swollen, chest quivering with each inspiration. I told him to come in there and shut the door; don't turn on the light, I told him. I need somewhere dark to think and talk. Fear and emotion swell up in me like a bright, awkward light. Darkness is what I need.

He had just expressed desire to maybe try something different in his Army career. He simply wants to get more information and explore possibilities, but my fearful heart can't focus. He feels like maybe there is something more out there for him, something that would bring him fulfillment.

Why do you want to do something more intense? Isn't infantry enough? Do you really want to do something that will take you away even more often? 

I plead with him as if he's already made a decision, already signed on the dotted line. My head is telling me to be rational and to listen to what he has to say and jesucristo stop being so selfish. But I can't get over it. I can't let it go because I know he's a warrior and sometimes that's plain scary.

I know you would be like the guy in Act of Valor who lays on a grenade to save his friends. I know you're brave like that. Sometimes I wish you were a coward. 

As soon as it leaves my mouth, I know it isn't true. Of course I don't want to be married to a coward. No, I don't want that at all. But I'm scared.

But God didn't give you a cowardly heart. He gave you a warrior one. 

I say it through tears, quietly, trying to come to terms with it myself. Loving a warrior is hard. Women have had a romantic fascination with warriors from the beginning of time. It's easy to swoon over a man in uniform, but really loving him... really loving his true warrior heart, now that's the hard stuff.

I believe there is an assault on warrior hearts, especially masculine ones, in today's society. I believe much of that is created by women. We tell our boys to sit down, be quiet, and for heaven's sake don't do anything dangerous. We do it because we are scared. Danger is scary. It is costly. There are warriors in literal roles like soldiers, police officers, and fire fighters. But there are the less obvious ones too, like the man who chooses to testify so that no more children get molested. Standing up for what is right is costly, it is dangerous. It is scary.

Loving my husband's warrior heart and honoring it for what it is may cost me something. It may cost me everything. Or I can live in fear and beg him not to do anything dangerous. But isn't that exactly what we need? We need dangerous. We need fighters, warriors, righteous strength. We need trail blazers. We need men who will raise boys that respect women, so that maybe one day there will be no need for sex slaves because there isn't a demand for it. We need men who will put their lives on the line for the sake of others. We need men who will go, even when they are afraid. We need warriors and women who will love them, especially when it's scary.

I just love you so much. I don't want to lose you. 

It's all I can say, and really, it's all there is to say. The truth is, he isn't mine. God is just letting me borrow him for the time being. My husband is His. And who am I to try to put out the fire placed in him by his Creator? So I take a big, fearful, selfish gulp and put my head on his chest. His heart sounds like a beating drum, a warrior ready for battle.